Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
