The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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