Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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