You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
