omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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