Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
