my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
