I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
