so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
