I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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