If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
