You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
