from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
