Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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