My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
