he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
