you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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