I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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