Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
