The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
These tits shall not be calmed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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