I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
