I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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