there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
