i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
