Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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