I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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