I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
