OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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