i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
