I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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