And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
