in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
