we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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