hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
