I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
