I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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