She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
