you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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