We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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