Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
