I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
