He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i think my cat just said my name.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
