Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
