i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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