he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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