If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
