the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
