I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
