Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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