The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
