Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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