my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
