I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
