im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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